A shy young maid has took a room down at the village inn Her bedside light is, oh, so bright, and the curtains, oh, so thin At nine o'clock, she enters her room; at half past nine, she sleeps Lord Clarendon walks quickly on, but naughty Samuel peeps (For we know it's right, it's in black and white And it's all written down in his diary) I went to rent a lady's house, she handed me the key She said: It's to be let as it stands with all that you can see And are you to be let with the house? Said I, in a very saucy tone She said: I'm not to be let with the house, I'm to be let alone (For we know it's right, it's in black and white And it's all written down in his diary) Squire Pitt locked his wife in her chastity belt, then climbed up on his horse He left the key with a footman lest he was killed in the wars He'd not gone far when up ran the footman shouting breathlessly He said: Squire Pitt, this key doesn't fit! He said: You're telling me! (For we know it's right, it's in black and white And it's all written down in his diary) Halfway up a wall outside a castle in Tranmere There is a sign that reads: The Duke of Denby was born here I've traveled far and I've traveled wide, but ne'er can I recall Ever hearing of a duke born halfway up a wall (For we know it's right, it's in black and white And it's all written down in his diary) Last Thursday morn', my wife gave birth to a lovely baby boy As the doctor took me to see them, my heart was filled with joy When he said: He's got your husband's nose My wife looked quite surprised She said: That may be, but you must agree, he's got his father's eyes (For we know it's right, it's in black and white And it's all written down in his diary) Yes, we know it's right, it's in black and white And it's all written down in his diary!