Hello, my name is Hayden Anhedönia And you're listening to NTS Radio And I think I'm going to die soon I don't know why I get this feeling every so often Where I remember, I remember four years ago, walking And noticing something to a friend of mine And, and she was asking me, I don't remember But I told her I was scared, and she wanted to know why She couldn't fathom it Mmh, and I just told her: I feel like I'm gonna die soon And I didn't have more words to put it into but But I was there, and I've always had this vision Of holding someone in my arms while I die I don't know if it's me? Or, I don't know (It's not just you) But do you ever wonder that (Death is a common thought) I always imagine that there's a pretty brave field of flowers And they're yellow or maybe orange And they're on the hillside, covering, mmh I wanna die staring at the blue sky If that's alright, if, if that's alright And I don't know Don't know what will happen I don't know what I want (You must delve to find yourself) I don't know what I want I feel like I, I want to dig a hole and I wanna I wanna crawl down inside the hole just so that I can feel it I can feel it, on the other side of the wall or the floor And I wanna put my hands on the ceiling, and I-I wanna rise up I wanna push my body against it I wanna be close to it I know I can fit inside I wanna throw up I'm gonna be sick I wanna get on the floor and lie here, I need it to be dark I don't want people to look at me I don't want people to look at me And I want you to listen but I don't want you to look at me Mhm- and I always have to put- put my hand on my chest And I have to feel my heart 'cause I feel like it's beating too fast And I get scared And there's a man And he's watching me And he's watching me What is it, what is it? And I can see his I can see the outline of his head and his shoulders But I can't see his face I can't see his face In my room when I was two when the door locked And my momma and my daddy couldn't get in They couldn't, couldn't get in And they said that I said They said I saw Him and I wanted to know who he was And that he was there on the hill And I, I tried to crucify myself But I couldn't go through with it 'Cause it was inappropriate It was in poor taste It was wrong (It was) And I knew it He came to tell me He said Don't ruin a good thing, don't fuck this up Don't fuck this up, you've got a good thing, girl, but you can't fuck it up God, I fucking hate you Jesus, the things I do for you You're so fucking stupid You're so fucking stupid That's what he says And I love it I love it When he's in here me He's always in here with me He was in Alabama with me And he hit her, and I watched him hit her And I saw it, I saw his hand And he came into my room And he came into my room (Mhm) He's always coming in my room And I think he's an angel I think he's an angel And I know he can't release me from I stop moving when I get scared And I get so tired, I get so tired (hm) I'm so tired, fuck I'm so tired I'm so tired Oh my God And I want him to touch me, I do I still want him to touch me I want him to be real It's easier when it's real There's edges, there's edges and I can put pins in it I hate when it's not real It feels like- it feels like God, what does it feel like? What does it feel like? Do you have any idea? (Mmh, yes) Tell me You know what it feels like? Tell me (When you shake) Oh, it makes me shake Well, when you have a body, it makes me- It makes me wanna throw up (You have to let it go) I have to throw up Fuck it, I'm going to be one forever, forever (You're in the dark) I can't feel anything I can't feel anything I can't stop the memories It hurts me, it hurts me But I get so fucking- I get scared I get really scared, I do I do as to myself, I wake up, I wake And I tell myself, 'I'm gonna die' And every-time the phone rings, someone's died I love it, I know it, I love it, I know it, I know it (This could be God testing you) And they'll be right (Imagine where you'll stand after this, with our holy lord) I'm scared to move my body without the mind It's not fit, not fit, not fit to be without, it's not fit Mhm, do you like that, do you like that There's a hole, lay in it, till you come around Mhm, stay and rest, and feel God's from me, so far from him I'm digging to find its hook And I can't, I can't cause I'm fucking stupid And if I try, he loved me at sixteen, and when I get here, he'll rip me into fucking pieces Rip me into fucking pieces I don't feel good, I don't feel good, I don't know what I feel right now, oh lord But I wanna make the picture and the proof, deep within the darkness I feel it, deep within No longer need to be right, but I feel it as his wrath I'm scared of the life and the body and the broken neck and the blood and the- I'm so scared I'm so scared, uh I'm so scared I don't wanna be seeing death Christ forgot us, that even my soul corrupts me I went so far, and when I came back, it wasn't anything Not yet, not yet, does it feel good? Will it come to kill me? If you're gonna kill me, kill me whilst everyone watches There's enough of me to go around until I'm nothing Then one time, it'll end And it will, as it's always, always, always going through something When does it stop (It doesn't stop) When does it stop, I wanna get out I want the punishment through As I feel my body, as everybody, it hurts Oh It gets closer Rips me out When God meets me, I'll leave When God meets me, as this sullen creature Forgive me as I loved you Oh God, lowly, and in opportune, and sick I'm like a child with a whole life inside his hands Set the room inside, you'll watch me You'll watch me die again and again And you'll keep creating me to kill me You fucking bitch And when I die, I want it to be long, I want it to go down to fucking hell Fuck me, and as I'm taken from you I won't feel a thing (You will) Feel the noise, do you feel what I feel within the reverberations When I saw her, and she saw me And she was more like me, she was me but primal But those eyes, her eyes told me, they said 'Raise me to him and to pain again and again And again and again and again and again Until there is nothing' And it won't give up, I want it to You look scared Over and over, and over and over, and over, and over, and over I can't quiet it, I can't even feel it (Be calm) Fucking bitch doesn't get the feeling I'm grown enough, enough to understand They're all here for me in this, the sons of a bitch (Who are they) They're all coming They're all knowing I tell them all, I love you If my mother could see me now, in the open airy days, it's so- sudden I have felt enough, I have done enough, I have felt myself enough times to death I have done it all again and again and again Until it makes me fucking sick Good God, can I have a break? Can I just go to sleep? Even in my dreams, he tries to haunt me I was there, when I jumped And I felt myself fall from the veil, I was there And I dreamt of my skull in a saw, a shotgun in my brain I was there, when I tried to hold my head under water They want me to die, so be it I've never much lived, you'll all be good They all want it, I can't even tell you how much I don't care God, oh God, it goes on and on When will the hunger stop? When will the hunger stop? I'm gonna kill my self to make it stop I'm gonna kill myself to make it, kill myself, kill myself Just to make it stop, it's enough, I'll die knowing it all and as I leave, I'll come for you all I'll tell you how I feel when I drown and when the beat comes No comfort, no empathy, endless, it just ends here from the great dark I die Something pulls at me from the beyond Pulls I can't help myself, I can't even free myself, give me something please Help me I'm run scared, I'm sorry I can't care anymore I don't think I ever will anymore My body resides, is this what I was born here for? Am I that scared of this, me of what I'll be made out I don't care I think no more as they can no longer kill me I just don't think I have much time I find myself at the edge of, don't even fall I was young, defiant, you can go find me at the low, low woods Oh my God, he's in here (Who's here?) Him Him, him Him, him, him, him When will it stop? I can't live this anymore (You won't have to anymore) I'm so scared Mhmm It's not so scary, the objectivity of knowing all I'll recover what's left of this, I know where it comes from I know that it'll take me, I know what it does, I know what it's like to lose The pain, so punctual, so actual in flames, so relentless This is how I die, this is how the tallest die I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you But it just won't end, in this house It's taken me back, and I can go again This is my head, recoiled back (You feel it) Oh I feel it, oh, I don't care what happens to me now I want to be with it, at least make the part But the sudden move, I can't help myself I can't leave here, I can't go and risk it I can't leave, I won't make it And that's what I fear I don't need you to help me, not like I need you I don't need angels, I just need the thing above Thank you angel, but I can't get through to enough Nearer, my God, to Thee Oh, nearer to Thee E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me Still all my song shall be nearer, my God, to Thee Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee I'm gonna be sick, I'm gonna be sick I'm so sorry God Jesus has it out for me, they know what we do, but they don't Father, I may have an idea, and I'm sorry I'm sorry I will destroy the pillars I won't let them do this to you I know that they let me be for a reason And the way I walked from it so many times, and I'm sorry but You look so beautiful There is so much in this room to hear you But I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to Weakness is an impossible thing It's a choice, it always is And I have chosen to get weak I have the weak, father, and I'm sorry And I have been consumed by weak, and it has made me sick And I have thrown up everything in my body Till there's nothing left to throw up And still, my soul does it, it goes for the weakness Weakness as a body does not have to be weakness in the mind If you thought me as living thus far, it's best that you leave No one leaves, no one leave, I want to leave I don't wanna do this anymore I don't wanna do this anymore I hate it here I'm gonna be sick (Breathing) I'm gonna be sick Can you promise me something? Can you promise this once it rises? And even if he's stands there in the corner of the room forever Can you promise to kill me once I leave? (I can promise that) I love you, I love you, I'm gonna be sick I'm gonna be sick, I can't do this anymore