Out on the third planet closest to the Sun There's a special celebration and it sounds quite fun A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone On a holiday they call Christmas Now, I'm not gonna lie, it makes no sense to me But here's what earthlings told me about this Christmas mystery One, two, three, four Santa is a furry freak With epic superpowers He flies to every human home In under forty hours He's a master burglar A pro at picking locks If you don't leave milk and cookies out He will put dung in your socks If you act nicely through the night And don't jump on your bed Santa comes with sugar plums And hurls them at your head But if you're on his naughty list He shoots missiles at your toes He might just roast your chestnuts With his powerful flamethrower Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer I don't know what Christmas is But Christmas time is here He's compelled his creepy elves To do his every wish One sought to be a dentist Now he's sleeping with the fish Mrs Claus, she works the pole Plans her man's demise Soon the elves will all rise up And stab out Santa's eyes Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Earthlings are so weird I don't know what Christmas is But Christmas time is here Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Earthlings are so weird I don't know what Christmas is But Christmas time is here What the heck's a turtledove? And who lit up that deer? I don't know what Christmas is But Christmas time is here I don't know what Christmas is But Christmas time is here Or maybe it's there? Or it's somewhere? I don't know I don't know