Hey It's Link! I'm back and I'm sailing on a ship I'm the King of Red Lions Yo, I don't give a shit If there's one thing I've learned from years of saving this land It's all I really need is a sword and shield on my hand But look over there! That sign says: Beware! A giant pit no one can jump, you can't fly through the air You'll need a special item to get through that moat But what do I know, right? I'm just a fuckin' boat Fuck, alright, shit, okay I can maybe pick up one or two things on my way But as far as I'm concerned all I need is swordplay Shut your fucking elf mouth and take my items, OK? Your quest is long and the road is tough The path is dark, you're gonna need a shitload of stuff No lives are spared, you'd better be prepared Moblin fangs and a boomerang And a cloth to shield that nasty wang From Majora's Mask to an empty flask Here's what you'll need to complete your task A bow and arrow, nice, and a skeleton key And a second place trophy from a local spelling bee A candle with a handle, and a single Velcro sandal Is this an old court order from a drug related scandal? (No!) Hey boat, all these item hurt my back, it's a lot Pop a Tylenol, you bitch! You've got 87 slots Here's a hammer that can break any kind of rock it hits And a full-sized studio drum kits A giant used Q-tip, a really small cruise ship A parent's signature for a Disneyland school trip? Documents that prove the moon landing was a hoax And a legendary sacred hidden golden tome of fart jokes This Wind Waker lets you control the air And this Sit Maker is a really comfortable reclining chair The road is long, you must protect that schlong Noble stallions and quake medallions You're a bigger deal than plumbing Italians Sourdough, a herd of buffalo Just a few more thing and you're ready to go Your grandma's glass eyeball, 80 pounds of drywall And every single item from the March issue of Skymall? A vegan pasta maker, the wrestle Undertaker An odd number of crutches, and a family of Quakers A basket of muffins, a turkey with the stuffin' A pillow that needs fluffin', a society of puffins A fresh unopened box of race-quality potato sacks 46 copies of The Jerk on Betamax It's getting kinda heavy I don't care, here's a Chevy and The Wacky World of Mini Golf Starring Eugene Levy Oh my God! I absolutely cannot carry one more thing Don't you worry, all that's left is this single piece of string