Well I was chasing down flies and shooting up women Trying to get the whole thing straight in my head Lookin for a girl who'd come with me swimming And come and play tunes at the end of my bed And all the hardmen were drinkin down petrol Bamming up the girls when in came the law Heading for the door and getting tongue tied When they asked me what exactly I saw Chorus: So I'll get some Monte Christo's And we can all go see the band Well I may not be a looker yeah But I'll help you any way I can Back at my room I was making me nervous Watching TV and picking my feet Wishing I was pretty and burning my shoes And wishing for once I'd kept the receipt I called myself and wondered out loud Tried to get the whole thing straight in my head I left the tape running and played it back Twice but I couldn't make sense of what I had said Chorus Bridge: Well it may not make you handsome And it may not even make you feel aliiiiiiive You may not have the ransom But you can always count on this It's him and them and she and me And sick and muddy, everybody Alt Chorus: So you can bring your wasters banjo Bring yer sister and her friend Diane Well I may not have a big boys pistol But I'll help them any way I can Alt Chorus 2: And you can call me Cinderella! You can make me your best man Well you may be a right old queen But I'll help you any way I can