Motive Assessment

This morning I woke up in a jail cell.
Next to an aluminum toilet and a pile of insecurities.
I've never felt so small.
I just thought that we were past this.
Staring through the bars, sleeping on cinderblocks.
My greatest fear is that I will never change.
That I have become a criminal.

Can you expel the urges?
Can you let go for once?

I ask myself these same questions over and over again.
But I never know the answers.
Even upon release I am held captive by my own thoughts and feelings.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Its never ending. When will I regain enough strength to control my own defects?

Can you expel these urges?
Can you make me okay?

No. No one can. Now i finally see.
Serenity where are you now?
Help me accept the things I cannot change.
Give me the courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I refuse to be like this forever.
I refuse to be me.
I want to be someone else.
I want control.
Teach me to turn my will over and surrender.
There will always be prison bars.
Sometimes real and sometimes in figment.
I cannot always tell if they are locking me in or if they are locking me out.
Why do I do this to myself?