A Monument to Silence

Dissociated and at arm's length is all I hope to be
Those happy faces and knowing eyes forever will haunt me
The way they look on, the way they follow, disapprovingly
Their judgement falls on these deafened ears, I've done it all before

Yes I remember (the choice)
Who I am (doubtful)
And I remember (the pain)
What drove me here
The vicious cycle (of trust)
Of anxiety
And then depression (rotting)
Living miserably

This hollow rotting that no one sees had festered far too long
And thus I made the decision to just leave it all behind

To escape feeling nothing I tried to become it myself
And what have I found except more pain? More torment?
I thought giving up life a worthy sacrifice, what else could I do?
What else could I do to try to escape and avoid this tragedy

Has death been better here in this place, or is it just the same?
A hunt, a trial, a conviction and meaningless ecstasy

Yet you can still die
This is not a death threat, oh no
This is a promise
Do you want to leave here?
Do you want a way out?
Yes, we can deliver you
Want to know how, dear?
Just drink
Do you want to leave here?
Do you want a way out?
Please, let us deliver you

And now I've returned (back home)
To dull facsimile
To worthless offers (for help)
And more lies
The more I swallowed (before)
The less I felt this way
And now I want more (drink it)
And to drown

To escape feeling nothing I tried to become it myself
And what have I found except more pain? More torment?
I thought giving up life a worthy sacrifice, what else could I do?
What else could I do to try to escape and avoid this tragedy

To see the lights go, would be such solace
To hear them all crying, a holy symphony
To know I'd never feel so hollow again
And just once to be able to sleep free from pain

Follow the leader to that old familiar place
That well of pain and hate and guilt and shame
I want to drown with an audience knowing why
I want to drown for good and to finally die

I'm over this
Don't ever assume
I wanted saving or that I wanted to live

With a crowd in tow I make my way back to the garden
There is nothing left for me to do but jump in again
That thick red fluid once gulped down looks inviting
Should I dive in or sink myself?

I know this place and why I'm here
The center and the source of this hollow ache

Standing atop and looking all around
I've never been so afraid yet so sure
Droves of the dead all reach out in shock
As I step back and fall in

And self pity, it beckons
Despite all I do it won't shake away
The more that I rationalize these thoughts the more they seem to inflame
And the cycle continues
The finger's pointed but the blame remains
Digging deeper within me just causes the world itself to fade