How to get Depressed

Beginning with the basics, you sit right down
And give a lot of thought to yourself.
If any higher value should cross your mind,
Consider the state of your health.
Think of what that strange little cough could mean
And what you should have said to that jerk.
Start with the assumption that something's wrong
And anything you think of will work.
Make a list of who's slighted you and all the things it's too late to do.
Think of all your mistakes and how little difference you make.
You're halfway there.
Don't be like the amateurs who waste their time
Counting up the bad breaks they've known.
Use your time efficiently and call to mind
All of the good breaks you've blown.
Think of all those chances for happiness -
Chances that only knock once.
Watch the clock and remind yourself
How the days keep turning to months.
Judge people that you never met
Watch the news every chance you get
Spend your mornings inside
Keep defending your pride
You're almost there.
Think about those sneaky middle-eastern creeps
Think about your backstabbing friends
Sit around remembering the good old days
Life was so much simpler then
If right now someone's heart is reaching out to you
Shut it hard away from your mind
You know you're prob'ly to cool for her
He's gonna suck up your time.
Think of Hemingway, Monroe and van Gogh
Remind yourself of how the great ones go.
Geniuses don't ask for help.
You're kind of brilliant yourself.
There you are.