Getting Raptured

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind
should auld acquaintance be forgot
hey everybody, it?s rapture time
I was staring at the clouds from a 747
when I saw that there were thousands
getting sucked up into heaven
and I knew that Armageddon time was nigh
when the Captain said,
"on your right there?s Mother Teresa floating by"
Oh, I could here the passengers behind me start to cheer
when he said, "looks like the whole non-smoking section?s disappeared.
But don?t you fear, even though I?m outta here
you?ve still got the navigator
He?ll stay with the rest of you fornicators and atheists,
insurance salesmen and bigamists,
and certain televangelists and such
and by the way, thanks for flying with us"
Well it?s one of those days
all of my friends are getting raptured
Taken away from their RV?s and their pick-up trucks
by a heavenly Electrolux on super suck
and I?m stuck here in sinners company
Jimmy Swaggart, my mother-in-law and me
Driving home from the airport
the highways were all clear
except for cars with NRA bumper stickers on the rear
I pulled into a burger joint
Gave my order to a sweet blonde who said,
"Would you like some fries with that?"
Zoop she was gone
I finally made it home
I couldn?t take it anymore
when I saw my friend the Jehovah?s Witness
who preaches at my door
He was rising higher and higher saying,
"What do you think about that?
Na na na na na...Thupt!
and I heard...splat!
Well it?s one of those days
all of my friends are getting raptured
Taken away from their RV?s and their pick-up trucks
by a heavenly Electrolux on super suck
and I?m stuck here in sinners company
Madonna, my mother-in-law and me
Now?s the time to fear the most
Armageddon?s getting close
When you hear the Holy Ghost
Who you gonna call, Ghostbusters?
I went to see a friend of mine,
the one who drives a Ford
with the little sign on the window
"Holy rolling with the Lord"
well, she hadn?t yet been raptured
and it made her real upset
she?d been counting on not paying her American Express
She sat poised like a debutante
waiting for a date
and when she finally did get raptured she cried
"Jesus you?re late"
Me, well I was staying
I said, "Hey what I do wrong?"
when a voice from up above said,
"You?re the schmuck who wrote this song"
Well it?s one of those days
all of my friends are getting raptured
Taken away from their RV?s and their pick-up trucks
by a heavenly Electrolux on super suck
and I? mstuck here in sinners company
Rush Limbaugh, my mother-in-law and me
and you sitting there
you missed the rapture too
Happy new year