The Seven Words You Can Never Say On Tv

I love words
I thank you for hearing my words
I want to tell you something about words that I think is important
They're my work, they're my play, they're my passion

Words are all we have, really
We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid, y'know like, woo woo woo woo, POP!
Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought
So be careful with words

I like to think that yeah, the same words that hurt can heal
It's a matter of how you pick them

There are some people that aren't into all the words
There are some that would have you not use certain words

Yeah, there are 400, 000 words in the English language
And there are 7 of them that you can't say on television
What a ratio that is!

399, 993 to 7. They must really be bad
They'd have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large

All of you over here, you 7, bad words!

That's what they told us they were, remember?
That's a bad word!
No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions, and words!

You know the 7, don't you, that you can't say on television?
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits
Those are the heavy seven
Those are the ones that'll infect your soul
Curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits, wow!
And tits doesn't even belong on the list, y'know? Man!
That's such a friendly sounding word
It sounds like a nickname, right?
Hey, Tits, come here, man
Hey! Hey Tits, meet Toots
Toots, Tits, Tits, Toots

It sounds like a snack, doesn't it?
Yes, I know, it is a snack
But I don't mean your sexist snack!
I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, C
Orn Tits, Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits
Betcha Can't Eat Just One!
That's true, I usually switch off

But I mean, that word does not belong on the list
Actually none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there

I'm not completely insensitive to people's feelings
I can understand why some of those words got on the list, like cocksucker and motherfucker
Those are heavyweight words
There's a lot going on there
Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling
I mean, they're just busy words
There's a lot of syllables to contend with

And those Ks, those are aggressive sounds
They just jump out at you like
" CoCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer
CoCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer

It's like an assaualt on you
So I can dig that
We mentioned shit earlier
And 2 of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are piss and cunt
Which go together of course
A little accidental humor there
The reason that piss and cunt are on the list is because a long time ago
There were certain ladies that said: Those are the two I am not going to say
I don't mind fuck and shit but P and C are out
Which led to such stupid sentences as: Okay you fuckers, I'm going to tinkle now

And, of course, the word fuck
I don't really, well that's more accidental humor
I don't wanna get into that now because I think it takes too long
But I do mean that, I think the word fuck is a very important word
It's the beginning of life, yet it is a word we use to hurt one another quite often
People much wiser than I am have said
I'd rather have my son watch a film with two people making love
Than two people trying to kill one another
I, of course, can agree
It is a great sentence
I wish I knew who said it first
I agree with that but I like to take it a step further
I'd like to substitute the word Fuck for the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with
Okay, Sheriff, we're gonna fuck you now, but we're gonna fuck you slow

So maybe next year I'll have a whole fuckin' ramp on the N word
I hope so
Those are the 7 you can never say on television, under any circumstances
You just cannot say them ever ever ever
Not even clinically
You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed, and Johnny
I mean, it is just impossible
Forget those 7
They're out

But there are some 2-way words
Those double-meaning words
Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade?
And the cock crowed three times
Hey, the cock crowed 3 times
Ha ha ha ha
Hey, it's in the Bible
Ha ha ha ha
There are some 2-way words, like it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say
Roberto Clemente has 2 balls on him
But he can't say, I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony
DOn't you? He's holding them
He must've hurt them, by God
And the other 2-way word that goes with that one is prick
It's okay if it happens to your finger
You can prick your finger but don't finger your prick
No, no