Puncture Wounds To Heaven

I barely notice as you pick up all the pieces
How long have I been like this?

You must be tired
And I'm still trying to find the words to compensate
For how vacant I've been today
Can't believe that I would take you for granted
God I hate myself for letting you shoulder the weight for two
If it gets too much to hold, I won't blame you if you go

In every conversation you fight for my attention
But I can feel the ennui that wears down your affection

Does it help if I say I'm sorry?
I know you must be tired
But I'm scared because I don't recognise myself

So whose role have I been modelled after?
Mothers warmth and fathers laughter
And yet somewhere in between with my anxiety and guilt
Oh, what is the price of my reprieve
If not a life of misery?
Held hostage by a blade of shame
With your name at the hilt

But I still can't find the words to compensate
For how vacant I have been
Never meant to take you for granted, but I know that I did
God I hate myself for how you must think about me now
Know how much it hurts to grieve
But please don't hate me if I leave