A Dying Business

Funeral directors of america, I am very deeply honored standing here;
Receiving this token of your esteem, "the funeral director of the
Year."
Now I've been asked by all the delegates--and members of the board,
To tell you of the funeral that won me this award.
It was handled with taste and dignity, that much I can say for it;
And I'm sure it will take the family twenty years to pay for it!

It was a helluva fun'ral, it was a helluva fun'ral
The finest fun'ral ever booked:
I had some high school juniors who passed around petunial
And lilies everywhere you looked.
It was a helluva fun'ral, I say one helluva fun'ral
Oh, how I wish that you were there;
I had ten drum majorettes doubling on the castanets
It really was a lively affair
It really was a lively affair.
It was a helluva fun'ral, it was a helluva fun'ral
The national guard showed up for me;
And during the oration, they went into formation
And formed the letters r. P. p.
It was a helluva fun'ral, I say one helluva fun'ral
I gave it all my loving care;
The band was on its toes playing "mexicali rose",
It really was a lively affair.
It really was a lively affair.

A tisket a tasket, tell us about the casket

Well, I'll tell you 'bout the casket, my good friends
It would-a made your poor eyes pop
It was sterling silver all around and a real formica top.
Formica top, it had a formica top

Well, I'll tell you 'bout the widow, my good friends,
The widow was in navy blue
With a gown designed by balenciaga, I supplied that too.
He sold the widow widow's weeds too.

I held the first funereal raffle, though I don't much like to boast
And I gave away a chevrolet to the person who cried the most.
He gave away a brand new chevrolet. I won it myself!

There were eighteen jugglers by the grave to demonstrate their art
And when they were done, I fired a gun to let the hoot-e-nanny start.
He fired a gun and the hoot-e-nanny begun.

I was serving beer and prtzels, 'til the hot pastrami came;
And I sold some souvenier hankies with the dear departed's name.
He was sellin' hankies with the dear departed's name.

As a fitting finale we had the rockettes from new your's music hall;
As you can see, my very good friends
All in all, all in all:

It was a helluva fun'ral, I say one helluva fun'ral
No other burial could compare;
It was all done up deluxe 'n' I made forty thousand bucks,
It really was a lively affair. It really was a swingin' affair