Dear Anxiety

I wake up, puddle of sweat
I have nightmares when I get back into bed
It's like these voices just keep playing on repeat
In the back of my head
And I can't get them to leave me alone
30 years old but still hates being alone when I'm home

Because that's when the voices get the loudest
Opening up like this is a moment far from my proudest
But these demons keep pressing me
I swear they're the foulest
But I've grown comfortable with their presence
My conscious is calloused

My dreams are their playground
My thoughts are their palace
I try to evict them, they return with more
Anxiety isn't an item you can return at the store
I was ten the first time I had a panic attack
Like a punch to the stomach, there's no planning for that
And I didn't tell anyone
Because I was too scared about what they'd say

And I know deep down there was nothing
They could do to take it away
It was my fight to fight and my battle to face
I remember that house I grew up in
And how those demons would rattle that place
I'd lay awake at night just staring at the ceiling
I've spent my whole life trying to run away from that feeling

That feeling of being lonely
That feeling of being lost
That feeling of being sick when the lights turn off
That feeling of being depressed
That feeling of being anxious
That feeling of screaming to God
Begging him to take this

Only to get silence in return
I'd lay in that bed crying and I'd toss and I'd turn
And I turn and I toss to this day
The doctors gave me medication, the pastor said pray
I tried both and this anxiety still hasn't gone away
So forgive me if I fantasise about being gone today
I'm an actor who got really good at being on today
But when I turn off I go right back into the shadows

I'm in the deep end now but I started in the shallows
And I might just drown myself in these waves
Suburban hell, these homes are all graves
Everyone's coping with something but won't admit it
They're all too afraid
And these kids are glued to watching me what do I say?

If I'm honest with them maybe they won't think highly of me
Everything they want me to be is what I'm dying to be
But everything I really am is what I'm not trying to be
I want them to know that they're not alone in their struggles
I wake up in tears and fall back asleep in those puddles
And I don't think I'll ever get out of this valley I'm in

Terrified that all along God has tallied my sins
And if he has the number must be astronomic
My life is a joke and you keep reading
Just pass the comic
Because everything you think that I am is far from the truth
I wish I could open up to you and just let loose

But my vocal cords get tight when the devil pulls on this noose
And them I'm back to keeping everything bottled up inside
But he's not going to keep me from pulling
The throttle back this time
He's not going to keep me trapped like this
I can't get out of bed I was never meant to act like this
I packin' up my bags and he can't stop me
From running fast like this

I'm not going to be a slave to these voices of anxiety
I'm shoving the devil back for every time that he lied to me
And I'm taking a bell to these demons
Who whispered despair in my ear
And I'm ignoring every naysayer
Who stands and stares when I'm near
I'm moving forward out of this slump
I took my bruises, I took my lumps

I fell down but I got right back up
So give me a torch and lets light that up
I'm setting fire to the devil and
I'm dousing these demons in gasoline
Look at you now, now you're not laughing at me
Now whose the one whose being tortured and poked
Now whose the one closing every door that I want
Now whose the one watching the other burn to the ground

Don't look away from me you better turn back around
I'm not done talking to you now
I'm watching your moves, I'm on your back
And I'm stalking you too
And when you try to ruin some other kid's life
I'll be stopping you too

You took thirty years of my life and I can't get that back
You told me to end my life and I nearly got killed for that
You took me down but I bounced right back
I was lost and I got found like that
And everything you told me I wasn't
Someone new told me I was
And everything you hated in me
Someone new told me He loves

And when you tried to kill me with depression and anxiety
He reached in and placed hope deep inside of me
So I'm done listening to you and letting you control me
I'm announcing it now that the devil can't hold me
I'm walking away from the old me
And I'm demanding a refund on every lie that you sold me
You knew I'd find a way out sooner or later
And I found my escape in the form of a saviour