Screech In

[Claude]
Now there's a solemn, old tradition
For admission or audition to
Transition from a Come From Away

[Company]
To be a Newfoundlander

[Claude]
The only other way at any rate
Is pass away and pray to fate and
Wait to reincarnate

[Company]
As a Newfoundlander
Hey, hey, come on inside
Nothing ventured, nothing tried

[Actor 5]
Only a couple people cried

[Company]
You'll be a Newfoundlander
Hey, hey, sit down right here
You'll feel better in a year

[Actor 7]
Try to ignore your doubts and fears

[Company]
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

[Claude]
Now we needs a couple volunteers
Who wants to become a Newfoundlander?

[Bob]
Right here!

[Claude]
Good man! Who else?

[Kevin T]
I have no idea why I put up my hand
And Kevin's like

[Kevin J]
Oh my God, are you serious?

[Kevin T]
Yes, I'm serious
Don't do it if you don't want to

[Kevin J]
I won't

[Claude]
Where you from, buddy?

[Kevin T]
Los Angeles

[Claude]
LA! Who else?

[Diane]
Us!
We want to be Newfoundlanders!

[Claude]
Alright
Where are you folks from?

[Diane]
Texas and

[Claude]
Texas! (to Nick) What part of Texas are you from, buddy?

[Nick]
No, I'm from

[Diane]
No, I'm from Texas
He's from England

[Claude]
Wait, now how does that work?

[Nick]
How does what work?

[Claude]
Well, how does your marriage work with you being in England and her in Texas?

[Diane & Nick]
No, we're not married

[Claude]
Oh, I'm sorry, I just assumed you were married
Well, would you like to be?

[Nick]
Ah

[Diane]
Well, why not?

[Nick]
Diane had had two beers by then, so it was probably the alcohol talking

[Diane]
I've never had more than one beer at a time before
So it was probably the alcohol talking

[Nick]
I went and got her two more beers

[Claude]
Now the first part is the easiest
We'll soon get to the queasiest
I'll need you to repeat this mess

[Company]
When you become a Newfoundlander

[Claude]
'Cause we speaks a different language, son
We adds some esses and some rum
You'll have to try a good cod tongue

[Company]
When you become a Newfoundlander
Hey, hey, just do your best
Nothing scary, nothing yet

[Actor 3]
You'll have to change the way you're dressed

[Company]
And you'll be a Newfoundlander
Hey, hey, just sing along
Nothing ventured just prolonged

[Claude]
There's thirty verses in this song

[Company]
Then you'll be a Newfoundlander

[Claude]
Ladies and gentlemen this is screech!
Back in World War II, an officer was stationed here
And was offered some of this stuff
All the locals were tossing it back with nar' a quiver, so he does too
And lets out an ear piercing

Everybody comes to see what's happening and says

[Company except Screechees]
What was that ungodly screech?

[Claude]
And now it's your turn
Are you ready?

[Nick]
Hum, I'm not sure that

[Diane]
Wait, did you just say

[Bob]
No, nope
Not really ready

[Kevin T]
Do we have to drink this?

[Claude]
Good! All together now
One!

[Company except Screechees]
One!

[Claude]
Two!

[Company except Screechees]
Two!

[Claude]
Three!

[Company except Screechees]
Three!

[Claude]
Down the hatch!

[Kevin T]
Screech is basically bad Jamaican rum

[Nick]
Screech is horrific

[Diane]
Screech is delishush!

[Bob]
And then they brought the Cod

[Kevin T]
The Cod

[Nick]
The Cod

[Diane]
The Cod

[Claude]
Now with every transformation
Comes a tiny bit of risk
You've got to walk the plank
And there'll be blood
Or there'll be bliss
And it's the same to be a
Newfoundlander
Every person's wish
So don't be dumb
Just take the plunge
Go on - kiss the fish!

[Newfoundlanders]
(Continued underneath)
I'm an islander
I am an islander
I'm an islander
I am an islander

[Claude]
Ladies and gentlemen this is a genuine freshly caught Newfoundland cod
And if you want to become an honorary Newfoundlander
You'll have to give her a smooch!
One!

[Kevin J]
If you kiss that I am never kissing you again!

[Kevin T]
I'll risk it!

[Claude]
Two!

[Nick]
I'm not kissing a fish!

[Diane]
Come on, I will if you will!

[Nick]
Oh my God
Fine

[Claude]
Three!

[Diane]
I can't do it!

[Nick]
What? I just did!

[Claude]
Now you've got to kiss the cod
It's a vital part of the ceremony

[Diane]
I can't do it!

[Claude]
Alright, look
I'll make you a deal
Either you kiss this fish or else you kiss this Englishman that you're not married to

[Company]
Hey, hey, come on tonight
Take a risk and take a ride
Jump right in with both feet tied
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

Hey, hey, come on once more
Nothing ventured, nothing sore
After it's over, out the door
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

[Claude]
After it's over you'll remember

[Company]
That you're a Newfoundlander