The Scottish Holiday

          G                        
So you think you're gaein' tae the 
        C
north to spend a holiday,
cause you're vaguely Scottish on 
          D
your mither's side,
         G                         
and you've heard of ancient 
        C
glories, both renowned in song and 
story,
          G              D        
kilts and haggis, Andy Stewart and
     G
 the Clyde.


[Verse]
           G                     
Ye go up by Crianlarich, it's the 
           C
gateway to the north,
and the scenery will please your 
    D
eyes, I'm sure.
          G                   
Ye take oot your picnic basket 
             C
'cause the car has blown a gasket
          G              D    
in the middle o' a place called 
         G
Rannoch Moor.

G  C  G  D  G


[Verse]
          G                        
So you telephone the garage listed 
        C
in the tourist guide,
                              D
that was published for you by the 
R.A.C.,
          G                        
but by design, or by intention, or,
        C
 they just forget to mention
          G              D        
that the garage closes doon for 
     G
half past three.


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[Verse]
          G                        
So you're towed behind this tractor
        C
 tae a corrugated shed
                                  D
that's surrounded by farm implements
 and carts,
          G                        
and you scratch your head and 
        C
wonder why you ever bought a Honda,
          G              D        
'cause they'll have to send to 
     G
Tokyo for the parts.

G  C  G  D  G


[Verse]
          G                        
So you board the train for Oban and
        C
 you get the boat to Mull
                                  D
feeling like you've had a night upon
 the tiles,
          G                        
ye pay twenty pence for coffee with
        C
 a tang o' diesel oil,
          G              D        
your experience in the swindle o' 
     G
the isles.


[Verse]
          G                        
But your pulse begins to quicken at
        C
 the thought of berry-pickin',
                                D
so you take a trip to 'Gowrie for a 
spell,
          G                     
wi' some wellies o' your mothers 
           C
that she bought in Ali Brothers,
          G              D        
and a Gideon bible pinched frae 
     G
yer hotel.

G  C  G  D  G


[Verse]
          G                     
So you're standing picking rasps 
           C
being stung to death by wasps,
                               D
the midges and the cleggs are making
 free,
          G                        
and the bairns have ate the berries
        C
 and contracted dysentery,
          G              D        
'cause last week they sprayed the 
     G
crop with DDT.


[Verse]
          G                        
So you're headin' back to 
        C
Birmingham more waterlogged than 
tanned,
                            D
but no signs of habitation can you 
see,
          G                        
when you thought you were in 
        C
Berwick you were actually in 
Lerwick,
          G              D   
'Cause some vandal changed the 
          G
signpost in Dundee