Selected Readings From Rat Catching

In the following elementary treatise
For the use of public schools
I propose following exactly the same plan
As my parson (a good fellow not afraid of a ferret or a rat)
Does with his sermons
That is, divide it into different heads
And then jumble up all the heads with the body
Till it becomes as difficult to follow
As a rat's hole in a SoftBank
And, to begin with, I am going to talk

Discretion will not rule
I faced a lion about being a bad
A young nothing from having rat

Don't be bitten
It is to be remembered
That the plague usually produces
Notable polynucleosis

Opening cuts on a large mammal
I don't care to defend myself
Partly skinned, the skin runs side out

This is a tiring long story to write
And I have not quite done it yet
For I must finish with the sandpit man
He said that in a fit of rage
He had thrashed his wife to death with his fists
And that his boy from having seen him do it
Had gone mad with fear
And was so bad, especially at night
That if he had not got a bulldog
Sleeping with him as a sort of friend
He would go into a fit with fear
And was often unconscious for hours

It was an ugly story
And I am glad to say
With the death of the sandpit man
The miserable part of the children's life ended

The sandpit man violated a lamb
Bones tear your flesh
Look, he is just the gentlest-hearted beast out
And there is not a puppy in the kennel
Nor a child in the village
Who does not know this
And impose on him shamefully
Only last Sunday
I had a lamb skin removed
It was the one that gave the sandpit man
The terrible disease

It fits tight and takes some pulling
But it comes steadily along
Wiping all before it
Faster and faster they bolt and are killed
I get excited and join the sport
It's over in a few minutes
When twenty-four are cast up on to the bank
Well done, well done, good!
Woo-hoop, woo-hoop! Good!
That's the way, my boys!
Woo-hoop, woo-hoop!
And they roll on the ground
Stretch, wipe the dirt out of their eyes with their paws
And rub their faces in the grass

In the west country
It's so infested with the jackrabbits
That the whole community rises
To drive the pests in a never-narrowing circle
That at last ends in a coral
Here, they are leisurely shot
Or killed with clubs

Sometimes I feel as though I may fade away
Than I remember my work

Shakey!
I once killed a rat inside a church
I found it during a long sermon
But for the life of me
I can't remember what that sermon was about

Mutilated pigs, nerve reflexes
The queer platypus
Almost the only mammal
Whose young are bowing from eggs

Almost