Hole In My Pants

I got a little history song for ya
Ya ready?
You’re gonna love this one

This is a story you need to hear
You can hear it while you’re drinking your fifteenth beer
It’s a woeful tale of intrigue and romance

It’s a story of how the Wild West grew
And I swear every word is partly true
This one’s about me and the hole that was in my pants

Everybody laughed when I walked to and fro’
Just why they were laughing I never did know
’Til one day I passed a mirror just by chance

I seen my reflection in the looking glass
And to my great surprise just below my ass
Was a big ole ripped out gaping hole in my pants

Now if I had had a pair to spare
I’m sure I might’ve found something different to wear
But I happened to have just returned from a trip to France

And I packed pretty light so there was nothing more
I could do that day then try to ignore
The fact that I had a big ole hole in my pants

For a while things seemed to be going fine
’Til some joker made cracks and folks got in line
And the joker was joined by a pack of sycophants

They hooted and hollered and pointed and poked
And it wasn’t too long ’til I was sick of their jokes
Their jokes on account of the hole in my pants

Well I was pretty steamed and I put up my dukes
I was ready to take on all of them kooks
When out the corner my eye this girl gave me a glance

To say she looked good barely hits the truth
Coulda made a Lincoln lover out of John Wilkes Booth
And best of all she had a hole in her pants

You wanna hear more?
Well then show me your drawers
Not you!

Well this girl and me got together you see
And everyone around could tell that we
Were tighter than Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance

Folks she was my queen and I was her king
And far from it being a negative thing
It was mighty useful to have holes in our pants

You know what I mean?
Yeah I thought you did

Well first then one, then two, then four, then eight
Then everyone had holes in their pants it was great
Shoulda seen it man, the whole town started to dance

Now you probably figured out if you concentrated
That that’s how the wild west got populated
And it all began with a hole in my pants

I’m just about finished and I mean right now sir
With a song about the big hole in my big trousers
Pants and holes and I feel like I’m in a trance

And the moral of the story, the moral of the song
Is maybe we’d all just get along
A whooooole lot better if we all had holes in our pants

You got dirty minds