Still Here Somehow

I hate myself for staying when I want to fade
For waking up inside a life I never made
I hate myself for feeling, more for feeling numb
For screaming in my head but never letting it run

I hate myself for not being what I needed then
For learning how to breathe while breaking from within
I hate myself for calling all this pain routine
For turning into something I was scared to be

There's a weight in my chest every afternoon
I go back to the same chair, same quiet room
Everything repeats, nothing really ends
It's just me, my thoughts, pretending again

But it still amazes me I'm standing here
Still opening my eyes through another year
It amazes me I fight what I can't control
'Cause feeling nothing somehow feels like everything whole
It's not strength, it's not belief
It's just staying when I want to leave

I hate myself for smiling when I'm breaking down
For learning how to hide it, how to make it sound
Like I'm fine, like I'm okay, like this doesn't hurt
Like I didn't make a home out of the dirt

I hate myself for breathing when I don't know why
For counting all the reasons just to pass the time
I hate myself
But I'm still alive

And even if I circle the same place I've been
Even if the dark keeps pulling me in
There's something small that doesn't let go
Something quiet that whispers no

And it still amazes me I'm standing here
Still holding on through doubt and fear
It amazes me I carry what I never chose
And still I stay, God knows

It's not hope, it's not relief
It's just staying when I want to leave

Maybe this isn't courage, maybe it's just pain
Maybe it's surviving the same old rain
But in the smallest moments, barely seen
I'm still here
I'm still me