I hate myself for staying when I want to fade For waking up inside a life I never made I hate myself for feeling, more for feeling numb For screaming in my head but never letting it run I hate myself for not being what I needed then For learning how to breathe while breaking from within I hate myself for calling all this pain routine For turning into something I was scared to be There's a weight in my chest every afternoon I go back to the same chair, same quiet room Everything repeats, nothing really ends It's just me, my thoughts, pretending again But it still amazes me I'm standing here Still opening my eyes through another year It amazes me I fight what I can't control 'Cause feeling nothing somehow feels like everything whole It's not strength, it's not belief It's just staying when I want to leave I hate myself for smiling when I'm breaking down For learning how to hide it, how to make it sound Like I'm fine, like I'm okay, like this doesn't hurt Like I didn't make a home out of the dirt I hate myself for breathing when I don't know why For counting all the reasons just to pass the time I hate myself But I'm still alive And even if I circle the same place I've been Even if the dark keeps pulling me in There's something small that doesn't let go Something quiet that whispers no And it still amazes me I'm standing here Still holding on through doubt and fear It amazes me I carry what I never chose And still I stay, God knows It's not hope, it's not relief It's just staying when I want to leave Maybe this isn't courage, maybe it's just pain Maybe it's surviving the same old rain But in the smallest moments, barely seen I'm still here I'm still me