My History

If i could swim a thousand lakes to bring your life back
I write that, but infinity can't rewind facts
You are divinity
My primitive mind was struggling
Just to understand the meaning of life, forgive me
I never told my mommy, i couldn't break her spirit
She always wished her daughter, extraordinary thinking
So i traveled alone, young, sixteen got in the habit of not stayin' at home
Doing the sad walk like
Bill bixby, a dollar fifty
Trips to the hospital so that medicaid could fix me
I couldn't eat shit. i fainted frequent.
On cold floors and i pause and i think, keep it
I'm lost, my four friends know
And just fuck at the boys' apartments for rent, so
I'm all wishin' that it's a dream ending soon
I've actually erased a lot that i've been through

See when the rain comes down, i know it's fallin' for me, and only for me
And when the pain comes around, there's nowhere else i rather would be
I know what i've done, please forgive me

Now all my bitter homies sayin' that's what men do
Feelin' retarded for seeing partner potential
On top of that, the doctors telling me a heart murmur
I can't take it; i'm contemplating a glock burner, a cop murderer
I can't be, this can't be
The tears streaming and i can't see, they lance me
And i'm passin' out, and this is just for blood
They had to cover the mass amounts, i've had enough
And you don't know what it's like in waiting rooms
And outside their picketing pictures could slay you
Their screamin' victims, and spitting till they shame you
I hold my head low and shiver push my way through
They put you in a room, where you can change into
Your gown and shower cap, shaking as a fiend would do
And that's when you think of leaving, fleeing the
Building and then they call you and you hear the call of your children
They count down from ten now, you wanna stop
'em but you say it in your head, your out for the cut
Then you wake up in another room with plenty others
They call it recovery; you're thinkin' we ain't mothers
And then prescription pills, written a 'scrip with chills
An understatement, you're dressed but you're naked still
And your brain won't think straight
Wait - can't finish this

I kept it bottled up; my parent's found the pills
Screaming god what have you done?
Cried till i snotted blood, then got a gun
My temper ran quick tho, from the thought,
Then the worst i was caught in the same place
A year later, for me that's when hatred started
My faith martyred, i've dated a father but farther, then i moved on
Years past, the guilt's worse and it builds till your heart' smashed
Then i miscarried 22 age, i was headed to a breakdown
Swallowed up some pills and i laid down
I was a failure at that too, bailed from the
Rap then but fate took me back in
Sin is a tattoo my fingers attached with
Twenty-seven with three kids that i never met
What if i was catholic? wonder if they hate me?
Thinking how their mother could ever murder?
Well take me hell - to the depths where
The brimstone chokes me constantly
I am a monster, see
How could i possibly correspond with god when i gave
The authority to end that life?
But it's never over, even if we have a child
They coulda had a brother or sister or both
I'm thinking about another life that almost got close
Prayin' that in another time we coulda' changed posts
If i could just reverse time, i would
I don't know what i would do, honestly it's not good
I'm sorry