Diaper Man

[JERRY (spoken)]
So, Montel, what's on your mind?

[MONTEL]
I've been seeing Andrea here,
And we're in love,
We're in love,
We're in love!

[JERRY (spoken)]
And what is it that you want to tell Andrea?

[MONTEL]
Well, Jerry...

[JERRY (spoken)]
Don't talk to me. Talk to Andrea.

[MONTEL]
Baby, I love you with all of my heart,
But there is one thing you could do for me,
Which could change my life!
Change my life!

[ANDREA]
Tell me, baby!
Tell me, baby!

[MONTEL]
Well, baby...

[ANDREA]
Tell me, baby!
Tell me, baby!

[MONTEL]
Well, baby...

[ANDREA]
Tell me, baby!
Tell me, baby!
Tell me, baby!
Tell me, baby!
Tell me!

[MONTEL]
I wanna be your baby, baby.

[ANDREA]
You are my baby, baby!

[MONTEL]
What I mean is...
I wanna be your BABY.

[ANDREA]
...What?

[MONTEL]
Be your BABY.

[ANDREA]
You've gotta be kidding...

[MONTEL]
Be your baby, be your baby.

[ANDREA]
You've gotta be kidding...

[MONTEL]
Be your baby, be your baby.

[ANDREA]
Tell me this is bullshit!

[MONTEL]
Babe, I wanna be your baby, baby!
B-A-B with a Y!
B-A-B-Y!

[ANDREA]
What the fuck?!
What the fuck?!
Jesus Christ!
What're you saying?!

[MONTEL]
If baby gets bad, if baby gets slack,
Mama give B-A-B-Y big, big smack!

[ANDREA]
Montel, what're you saying?

[MONTEL]
Baby!

[ANDREA]
Stop it!
What the fuck is happening here?

[MONTEL]
Baby!

[ANDREA]
Stop it!

[MONTEL]
Baby!

[ANDREA]
Watch it!
Montel! Montel, what the fuck is going on here?

[MONTEL]
Mama get all angwy.

[ANDREA]
Stop it, Montel!
Stop it!

[JERRY (spoken)]
Andrea, you seem upset. What is it you want to say to Montel?

[ANDREA]
Montel...

[MONTEL]
Mama.

[ANDREA]
Stop this.

[MONTEL]
Mama.

[ANDREA]
We can...

[MONTEL]
Mama.

[ANDREA]
...work it out!

[MONTEL]
It mean a lot to me, baby.

[ANDREA]
Get some therapy!

[MONTEL]
It would help in the bed department!

[ANDREA]
...Bed department?

[MONTEL]
Yes!

[ANDREA]
Are you saying I'm bad in bed?!

[MONTEL]
No, baby!

[ANDREA]
What then?

[MONTEL]
Well...

[ANDREA]
Spit it out! Spit it out!
Are you trying to say you're gay?!

[MONTEL]
No, baby!
It's so very hard...

[ANDREA]
Put some pants on!
Be a man,
And tell me! Tell me!

[MONTEL]
Well...

[ANDREA]
What?

[MONTEL]
It's...

[ANDREA]
What?

[MONTEL]
Er...

[ANDREA AND ENSEMBLE]
What?!

[JERRY'S INNER VALKYRIE]
Please don't tell us,
We can guess!

[JERRY (spoken)]
Will you get out of my head?! I'm working here! Now get out!