Talk To The Hand
Jerry Springer: the Opera (Musical)
WARM UP MAN:
Tacky! Tack-tack-tack tacky queen!
AUDIENCE:
Tacky! Tack-tack-tack tacky queen!
TREMONT:
You can hush all your shouting, you can hush all your bitching,
you can talk to the hand, cos the face aint listening!
AUDIENCE:
Loser! Loser!
TREMONT:
Talk to the hand!
AUDIENCE:
Loser!
TREMONT:
Talk to the hand!
AUDIENCE:
Loser!
TREMONT:
Talk to the hand!
AUDIENCE:
Loser!
TREMONT:
...cos the face aint listening!
AUDIENCE:
Loser! Faggot!
TREMONT:
Look at little piggy, see how she squeal, my advice for you bitch, get a face peel!
AUDIENCE:
Loser! Loser! Butt boy!
TREMONT:
...to the hand!
AUDIENCE:
Loser! Loser! Butt boy!
TREMONT:
Hush your dirty mouth, my tubby lady chimp,
lose the facial hair and you might find a pimp!
AUDIENCE:
Loser! Loser! Lo-ser!
TREMONT:
To the hand!
AUDIENCE:
You so tragic, you so sad! Cos your brother is your dad!
TREMONT:
Talk to the hand!
AUDIENCE:
You so scum, you so dumb, cos you live off gay men's cum!
TREMONT:
Do you want some, do you want some?
AUDIENCE:
Come and get it, come and get it!
TREMONT:
Do you want some, do you want some?
AUDIENCE:
Come and get it, come and get it!
TREMONT:
When you're dead and buried in the grass, I'll dig you up and fuck you up the ass!
AUDIENCE:
Talk to the hand!
TREMONT:
Cos the face aint listening!
AUDIENCE:
Talk to the hand!
TREMONT:
Cos the face aint listening!
AUDIENCE:
Talk to the hand! (repeated)
TREMONT:
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na (continued)
AUDIENCE:
Talk to the hand cos the face aint listening, talk to the hand,
TREMONT:
To the hand to the hand!
AUDIENCE:
Talk to the hand
TREMONT:
To the hand,
AUDIENCE:
To the...
AUDIENCE:
Vomit! Vomit! Vomit! Puke our guts up! Sin! Sin! Kill all gays! Kill all gays!
JERRY (spoken):
Welcome to the show, Tremont.
Now, let me get this straight, she says she's his, she says he's hers, they say he's theirs,
I guess you're saying he's yours, so what's going on?
TREMONT:
She said that he said that I said, that I said that he said that she said,
that they said that she said we both said that he
said that I said that you said something or other, I forget!
TREMONT, DWIGHT, PEACHES, and ZANDRA:
She said that he said that I said, that I said that he said that they said...
TREMONT:
She said that he said that I said that we said they both said that
I said that she said that I said that she said
ZANDRA (at the same time):
He is mine! He is mine!
PEACHES (at the same time):
I don't think so, I don't think so!
TREMONT, DWIGHT, PEACHES and ZANDRA:
He said that you said, he said that you said...
TREMONT:
Does it really matter?
DWIGHT, PEACHES and ZANDRA:
What?
TREMONT:
Does it really matter?
DWIGHT, PEACHES and ZANDRA:
What?
TREMONT:
Cos, at the end of the day I--
I--
I--
I love you. I love you.
AUDIENCE:
Chick with a dick with a heart!
TREMONT:
I love you! I love you!
AUDIENCE:
Chick with a dick with a heart!
TREMONT:
I love yo--u
yo--u
AUDIENCE:
Chick with a dick with a heart!
AUDIENCE:
Ladyboy! Nothing but a ladyboy! Fuck the faggot! Butt boy!
DWIGHT, PEACHES and ZANDRA:
What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fucking fucking fuck?
JERRY (spoken):
Okay, Dwight, who's it going to be?
DWIGHT:
I want my baby back, Peaches, baby, please come back!
They dont mean shit to me! They just whores and douche bags.
AUDIENCE:
Steve. Steve.
JERRY (spoken):
Well Peaches it's your call, where do we go from here?
PEACHES:
You don't see me cry. You don't see me cry. I just sing and die. Bisexual, bye bye!
PEACHES and WARM UP MAN:
Bisexual, bye bye.
AUDIENCE (softly):
Bisexual, bye bye (repeated).
PEACHES:
You're just a tramp!
DWIGHT:
Come on, baby!
PEACHES:
You're just a crack whore!
ZANDRA:
It wasnt me it was the smack!
PEACHES:
You're just a butt plugging, cum loving man loving
TREMONT:
Talk to the hand...
PEACHES:
...guy sucking, sodomising, crack head, man whore
TREMONT:
Talk to the hand...
PEACHES:
Losers!
AUDIENCE:
Losers! Losers! Losers!