Badtimes

If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "badtimes",
Delete it immediately
Without reading it. this is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. not only that, but it will
Scramble any
Disks that are even close to your computer. it will recalibrate
Your
Refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts. it
Will
Demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the
Tracking on
Your vcr and use subspace field harmonics to render any cds you
Try to play
Unreadable.

It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. it
Will mix
Antifreeze into your fishtank. it will drink all your beer and
Leave its
Socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will put
A dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit and hide your
Car keys
When you are late for work.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. it will give
You
Nightmares about circus midgets. it will pour sugar in your gas
Tank and
Shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current
Boy/girlfriend behind
Your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your visa
Card.

It will seduce your grandmother. it does not matter if she is
Dead, such is
The power of badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully
Those things
We hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find
It. it will
Kick your dog. it will leave libidinous messages on your boss's
Voice mail
In your voice!

It is insidious and subtle. it is dangerous and terrifying to
Behold. it is
Also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Badtimes will give you dutch elm disease. it will leave the
Toilet seat up.
It will make a batch of methamphetamine in your bathtub and then
Leave bacon
Cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase high school kids
With your