Dejection

So it looks like we're at that point again
Where I don't know where to start and where to stop
And I can't decide if it's good or bad or just one of my stupid ideas
That will lead to disappointment.

I always think I have the right answers but I don't.
I can analyse and predict what the fuck I want.
I can have the highest expectations just to lower them
Again and again and again and again and again.

Until I reach that one point when I realize the truth,
The truth which is the most beautiful lie I always tell to myself.
And then there is disappointment
And the thoughts about how much time I wasted
And the loss of my self-confidence.

I want to pack my bag and leave all of this behind me.
I want to lie in my little black hole.
I want to take every word I ever said
And put it back into my mouth just to swallow them all at once.

Thinking back I never did anything of this.
I never stopped doing what I like.
I always made this for fun and I always will.
But now it's really hard to get back on track.

And when I thought that all my misery has come to an end
The next bottle of glass smashed into pieces.
I stepped into the shards and waited for the blood
But I didn't feel anything, no pain or whatsoever.

I always step on so many things.
Callus has formed at the sole of my own two feet but
I still stumble over them.
Once you have broken something you can't break it again.

I'm not sure whether I am really broken or just got used to those things.
Is it really possible to shut down your emotions completely?
Is it good or bad and am I save or in danger from humanity?
Will I ever count as the feeling and caring husband again?

As long as I believe, I can get out of this grief.
I won't be dejected again. Get me out of here!
Fuck