Till The Death do Us part

Why go back if it’s not the same?
I forgot the roads, forgot my name
There’s no way back, I'm out of frame

I left a note, it burned away
No one asked if I'm okay
Smoke in lungs, I couldn’t stay
He called me weak, I walked away

Some issues I don’t speak out loud
He hates my voice, says it’s too proud
Says I flinch like it’s a game
Says: You act like you’re in pain
So I bite my tongue in two
Just to prove that I’ll pull through
Still he says: You’re not enough
God, how I don’t wanna be your violent crown

I wear silence like a second skin
Smile in the mirror, fake what’s within
I used to pray that I was drifting

I left a note, it burned away
No one asked if I'm okay
Smoke in lungs, I couldn’t stay
He called me weak, I walked away

Some issues I don’t speak out loud
He hates my voice, says it’s too proud
Says I flinch like it’s a game
Says: You act like you’re in pain
So I bite my tongue in two
Just to prove that I’ll pull through
Still he says: You’re not enough
God, how I don’t wanna be your violent crown

Why did you leave me, Howard?
I hate feeling like this. So pathetic
Do people like you ever feel this way?
I figure you don’t. You seem so perfect all the time
The Lord must’ve been generous to you
He never answers any of my prayers
I don’t know why. What did I do? What is wrong with me?
Please, just tell me, so maybe I can get better
I don’t want to end up like Mama

I want to be dancing up on the screen like the pretty gals in the pictures
I want what they have so badly
To be perfect
To be loved by as many people as possible
To make up for all my time spent suffering

Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night
And a fear washes over me
’Cause what if this is it?
What if this is where I belong?
I'm a failure

I'm not pretty or naturally pleasant, or friendly
I'm not smart, or funny, or confident
I'm exactly what Mama said I was: Weak
I don’t know why. What did I do?
Why wasn’t my family like yours?
I hate what it feels like to be me and not you

I'm so scared that when you finally come home
You’ll see me and be frightened like everyone else is
I know what I’ve done, the bad things, terrible, awful, murderous things
I regret them now, but I liked how they felt

I wish I didn’t, but I did
At first, it was only animals smaller than myself
Nothing with feelings. Nothing that could hurt me back
It felt good

Killing’s easier than you think
Until recently, with Mama and the boy from the picture house
They were different. They were more meaningful
I hurt them so they too might know what it feels like to suffer
But poor Daddy didn’t deserve that
I wish I hadn’t done what I did

Mama meant well. She had a hard life
She only wanted a home to feel safe in
I can see that
I thought I hated her, but I just want to feel safe, too

Lord
I made such a mess of things
I don’t know how much more I can take
I need to clean this up. All of it
I need to make things right before you see me again

Maybe if I can turn this farm into a home for us
Like you wanted, things will finally be different
I can forgive
I can be who you want me to be if you’ll just stay with me
Would you do that, please?

I can’t be all by myself anymore
It’s too hard
We can love each other
I’ll do that for you
If you really meant all that “till death do us part

It’d be enough
Just you and me, here on this farm
All I really want
Is to be loved
I'm having such a hard time without it lately

Silk on skin, I fake the grace
Smile too wide, I love the chase
Walk on fire in party shoes
Lie so good I start to bruise

Mama said: Don’t look too far
But I was born to break the bar
Spill the red, then paint it gold
Play it sweet, but watch me fold

I said: I do with heavy heart
They called it love, I called it art
I tried to stay, I played it smart
But I was, till death do us part
I said: I do and held my breath
Pretending love was all I had
They told me pain was just the start
But I was, till death do us part

Lights go dim, I stay in frame
They want the boy, not what I became
I kissed the dark, I danced through pain
I broke the rules, then took the blame

Mama said: Don’t look too far
But I was born to break the bar
Spill the red, then paint it gold
Play it sweet, but watch me fold

I said: I do with heavy heart
They called it love, I called it art
I tried to stay, I played it smart
But I was, till death do us pat
I said: I do and held my breath
Pretending love was all I had
They told me pain was just the start
But I was, till death do us part

Till death do us part
Till, till, till
Death, death, death
Do us part