Why go back if it’s not the same? I forgot the roads, forgot my name There’s no way back, I'm out of frame I left a note, it burned away No one asked if I'm okay Smoke in lungs, I couldn’t stay He called me weak, I walked away Some issues I don’t speak out loud He hates my voice, says it’s too proud Says I flinch like it’s a game Says: You act like you’re in pain So I bite my tongue in two Just to prove that I’ll pull through Still he says: You’re not enough God, how I don’t wanna be your violent crown I wear silence like a second skin Smile in the mirror, fake what’s within I used to pray that I was drifting I left a note, it burned away No one asked if I'm okay Smoke in lungs, I couldn’t stay He called me weak, I walked away Some issues I don’t speak out loud He hates my voice, says it’s too proud Says I flinch like it’s a game Says: You act like you’re in pain So I bite my tongue in two Just to prove that I’ll pull through Still he says: You’re not enough God, how I don’t wanna be your violent crown Why did you leave me, Howard? I hate feeling like this. So pathetic Do people like you ever feel this way? I figure you don’t. You seem so perfect all the time The Lord must’ve been generous to you He never answers any of my prayers I don’t know why. What did I do? What is wrong with me? Please, just tell me, so maybe I can get better I don’t want to end up like Mama I want to be dancing up on the screen like the pretty gals in the pictures I want what they have so badly To be perfect To be loved by as many people as possible To make up for all my time spent suffering Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night And a fear washes over me ’Cause what if this is it? What if this is where I belong? I'm a failure I'm not pretty or naturally pleasant, or friendly I'm not smart, or funny, or confident I'm exactly what Mama said I was: Weak I don’t know why. What did I do? Why wasn’t my family like yours? I hate what it feels like to be me and not you I'm so scared that when you finally come home You’ll see me and be frightened like everyone else is I know what I’ve done, the bad things, terrible, awful, murderous things I regret them now, but I liked how they felt I wish I didn’t, but I did At first, it was only animals smaller than myself Nothing with feelings. Nothing that could hurt me back It felt good Killing’s easier than you think Until recently, with Mama and the boy from the picture house They were different. They were more meaningful I hurt them so they too might know what it feels like to suffer But poor Daddy didn’t deserve that I wish I hadn’t done what I did Mama meant well. She had a hard life She only wanted a home to feel safe in I can see that I thought I hated her, but I just want to feel safe, too Lord I made such a mess of things I don’t know how much more I can take I need to clean this up. All of it I need to make things right before you see me again Maybe if I can turn this farm into a home for us Like you wanted, things will finally be different I can forgive I can be who you want me to be if you’ll just stay with me Would you do that, please? I can’t be all by myself anymore It’s too hard We can love each other I’ll do that for you If you really meant all that “till death do us part It’d be enough Just you and me, here on this farm All I really want Is to be loved I'm having such a hard time without it lately Silk on skin, I fake the grace Smile too wide, I love the chase Walk on fire in party shoes Lie so good I start to bruise Mama said: Don’t look too far But I was born to break the bar Spill the red, then paint it gold Play it sweet, but watch me fold I said: I do with heavy heart They called it love, I called it art I tried to stay, I played it smart But I was, till death do us part I said: I do and held my breath Pretending love was all I had They told me pain was just the start But I was, till death do us part Lights go dim, I stay in frame They want the boy, not what I became I kissed the dark, I danced through pain I broke the rules, then took the blame Mama said: Don’t look too far But I was born to break the bar Spill the red, then paint it gold Play it sweet, but watch me fold I said: I do with heavy heart They called it love, I called it art I tried to stay, I played it smart But I was, till death do us pat I said: I do and held my breath Pretending love was all I had They told me pain was just the start But I was, till death do us part Till death do us part Till, till, till Death, death, death Do us part