Shattered

I'm not scared of you and that is just what scares me
Does the contradiction make you mad?
Sure as hell's confusing and I think it would be
Fair if mostly I just make you sad

But there's gotta be a reason
We're in our fifth season
So I apologize for counting days
Gotta record of self-preservation
Gotta record of self-sabotage
And I apologize for tendencies at odds

How am I supposed to trust my gut when taking chances isn't fair?
When the opposite of what I think I think's a nightmare

I'm tired, I don't care
I'd be tired with anyone, anywhere
Can something broken break again
Don't find out, don't go there

My instincts, they scatter
Til I'm not sure they matter
I'd rather fall and be shattered
Than never climb a ladder

How I wish I wouldn't fish for reassurance
Watch me make a list and check it twice
Cherry pick the evidence, ignore the signs
I'm trying way too hard to make you nice

But there's gotta be a reason
We're in our fifth season
And I'm still so goddamn insecure
Between the instinct to jump to conclusions
And the instinct to self-reassure
I apologize if everything's a blur

How am I supposed to trust my gut when I know exactly how I'd fair
If the opposite of what I think I think's a nightmare?

I'm tired, I don't care
I'd be tired with anyone, anywhere
Can something broken break again
Don't find out, don't go there

My instincts, they scatter
Til I'm not sure they matter
I'd rather fall and be shattered
Than never climb a ladder