Granny's Advice

I’ll tell you of my granny dear, all warm and sweet and fair
With sparkling eyes like diamonds, and silv’ry locks of hair
But underneath her sweetness, she hid a vixen’s heart
And so it was, from time to time, her wisdom she’d impart

When I was but a little girl, my granny came to me
She taught me ‘bout the spot between my stomach and my knee
She told me where to touch and said to practice every night
'Cause no man on earth would ever take the time to do it right!

Our granny was so nice, she knew just what to do
She gave us good advice ‘bout the man in her canoe
By the time that I was eight I knew just how to masturbate
She’s our granny, we’ll always love her so

Now cleanin’ was a chore that seemed to always take all day
I rushed to finish up the job and rub the dust away
While wiping down some bottles, my granny gave a sigh
Said: If you stroke your man like that, you’ll get it in your eye

Our granny was so nice, knew how to do the job
She gave us good advice, loved to polish up that knob
She said: Lass, just scrub it in, because it’s lovely for your skin
She’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so

To say I was a chatterbox would only be too kind
The talkin’ caused the boys to run and leave me far behind
But granny told me, “dearest girl, men find you such a bore
'Cause talkin’ isn’t what you should be usin’ your mouth for

Our granny was so nice, that woman was a tease
She gave us good advice, bent down right down on her knees
My reputation’s growin’ from the men that I’ve been blowin'
She’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so

The evenin’ of my wedding day, I ran up with surprise
When my husband dropped his trousers and showed his ample size
I went and told my granny dear just why I had to run
Get out’ the way, my dear, she said: I’ll show ya how it’s done

Our granny is so nice, she’s the woman we adore
She gave us good advice, but my God, she’s such a whore!
Her husbands often left ‘cause granny screwed ‘em half to death
But she’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so

And then there came the day when granny fell so deathly ill
She pulled us very close, her final wisdom to instill
And with what was her final breath, she whispered with a groan
To keep your sweet and true, give him another hole to bone

(Spoken) that costs extra
(Spoken) but not with me!

Our granny was so nice, she’d teach old dogs new tricks
She gave us good advice, such as where to hide their sticks
Our granny never ‘waried about whether folks got married
She’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so
Yes, she’s our granny, and we’ll always love her so