Mascot Mania

When I was young saw football games
At the great big stadium could tell the fans
From out of town by the clown suits
They had on 20,000 red cowboy hats

Means Cornhuskers to you
Mickey Mouse beans with tiger ears
Shows you cheer ol' Mizzou
Let's not forget the Razorbacks

From the U. of Arkansas with plastic pig snouts
On their heads soon eeeing, "How 'bout them Hawgs?"
That's Mascot Mania, Mascot Mania, Uh-huh, Uh-huh
Mascot Mania, Mascot Mania, Uh-huh, Uh-huh

I work all week at a job I hate
Where everything goes wrong
Weekend's what I live for
To your church I belong

I cross the street in San Francisco
When a chump comes out of a bar
Yellin', "Forty-Fuckin' Niiners, man"
With his gold and red jacket on

In Cleveland throwing dog biscuits
Shows how much ya love them Browns
While Bronco fans just hang their heads
When the Super Bowl comes around

Raider jacket dollars
Got the White Sox wearin' black
Statues of Joe Paterno
Sold in gift shops at Penn State

That's Mascot Mania
Don't make fun of religious rituals in any place
Lord help you if you laugh
While they do this with a straight face

Outside of the United States
It gets even more bizarre
In Tokyo they got a baseball team
They call the Carp

The Salmonnbellies are the pride
Of New Westminster, B.C.
C'mon, Greg Wrckman, what's a Hoosier?
And why do they throw chairs?

When Sudbury, Ontario's
Hockey team scores a goal
They drag a stuffed wolf
Cross the ice a fan shot at it once

That's Mascot Mania
Blue Streak Horned Frogs
Long Horns Trojans
Someone better tell Tipper Gore
'Bout the names of these here teams

Tar Heels Garnecocks Blue Devils
Crimson Tide Real Indians Sick of Redskins
And Tomahawk chops it seems to me that to stay mean
These names should change with time

The New York Muggers, Detroit Murders and Chicago Mob
Boston Bigots, Texas Swindlers and the L.A. Cops
Miami Drugs, New Jersey Dumps take on the Denver Smog
Seattle Fads, New Orleans Hoods Milwaukee Cannibals

San Diego Jarheads and the Arizona Drought
That's Mascot Mania, Uh-huh, Uh-huh
Go Carp, go! Salmonbellies rule! Hit 'em harder cops!
But a hockey team called the Mighty Ducks?

Heads explode when Dallas Oswalds
Meet Washington Bribes
Home team bands play "Cop Killer"
When L.A. comes to town

Pittsburgh Polluters Houston Drive-Bys
Don't stir near the fear
When the Florida Abortion Bombers
Meets the San Francisco Queers

That's Mascot Mania, Uh-huh, Uh-huh
Anywhere ya go the game's the same old thing
Bet your money on the Bribes they always win