Arm's Length

I don’t think I have the energy
To make it out of my bed today
It’s not even a bed
I’ve been sleeping on an air mattress
With a hole for almost three months

Sometimes when I can’t sleep
I can feel the space I’ve put between
The only people I’d risk everything for
But if they’d whisper at my door
I’d probably hide under the sheets

I'm in a group chat
With 21 God-damn people
I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not
My phone crashes 37 times a day
But it’s nice to have friends
Sometimes it’s nice to be left on read (wait, no, it’s not)
I think I'm taking things too personally
When did I get so sensitive?

I don’t think I wanna waste my day
Replaying all my past mistakes
It’s a funny thing
Selective memory, flipping through the casualties
If you don’t cancel on the count of three
It won’t be looking too hot for me
I'm on damage control, got better parts to this whole
I just haven’t left this room in I don’t know how many weeks

I work a job where
I swear to God they’re setting a timer
When I take a bathroom break
And I'm barely scraping minimum wage and
The things they have the audacity to ask of me
Better catch up with them eventually
Oh, I'm begging please
Let it catch them eventually

I don’t think you wanna challenge me
Like you tried to yesterday
But I can’t even pretend
I considered every single word you said
From beginning to end
And it’s a sensitive subject
And you can act like you think you’re so above it
But I’ve got a foolproof plan and a prescription in hand
And you can call it what you want, you’ll never be my referee

It’s my last night in the city that taught me I'm an extrovert
And here I am, spending it alone
Laying on a carpet floor, staring at a wall
Listing off all of the places I would rather be

And it’s my fault, I did this to myself
I crawled into a hole for six months
Then came creeping back out
Expecting everything to be the same

And I dug this pit, and you enabled it
So I guess I’ll, I’ll disappear again
200 miles west this time
I’ll get a job and make some fake friends and I’ll be fine

Just like the last time, just like the last time
Arm’s length, arm’s length this time
Arm’s length, it’s safer that way