The Ballad of Farquaad

FARQUAAD
(spoken)
My father simply couldn't accept that I wanted nothing to do with the family business...that lowly,
dirty family business...

(sung)
My daddy was a miner
So he wasn't much around
Foraging for diamonds
A life spent underground

Daddy didn't talk much
He barely said hello
He'd simply mutter "Heigh ho"
And off to work he'd go

Daddy was grumpy...

My momma was a princess
Who left her crown behind
Daddy was her true love, so
Momma didn't mind

I never knew my momma
But she could've been a queen
She married way beneath her...
Beneath her knee, I mean

Ohhh, daddy's bed was lumpy
So mommy couldn't sleep
Daddy built a new one
So tall and so steep

Twenty-five mattresses she slept upon
One night she rolled over...
And momma was gone

So daddy was grumpy...

Me and my old man
A tale as old as dirt
A bitter distant father
In a tiny undershirt

Daddy up and left me
Left me good as dead
Now he lives in squalor
Sleeping seven to a bed

(spoken)
You abandoned me in those woods, daddy.
Well I crawled out! And up! Oh, if only you could see me now, daddy...
I'd invite you to the wedding but you have to be
THIS tall to get in! Hahahahahaha!

(sung)
My bride-to-be is gorgeous
Her wedding dress, designer
The guest list will be major
Without a minor miner

Guards
La la la la la la la la la la la la la

FARQUAAD
Packs of royal lackeys
Playing violin

GUARDS
Strings of royal underlings

FARQUAAD & (GUARDS)
Who will not let you in!
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha!
Tricked out carriage!
(Tricked out carriage)
Twenty stallions!
(Twenty stallions)
With a coachman named Raoul
(With a coachman named Raoul)
Big reception!
(Big reception)
With a boy band!
(With a boy band)
And a royal deejay by the pool...

Yes! I can see my future
And so it shall be done
It's total domination
With some torture just for fun, hee hee!

'Cause I will have my wedding And I will have a queen!
And once I get that crown on
You will get the guillotine

And I'll punish you daddy
'Cause I'm all grown up And bigger than you'll ever know!

You're gonna pay daddy!
It's any day daddy!
I'm off to work
Heigh ho!