Mattering

I'm living in the uncertainty
Of fair weather memories
Constantly asking if I really remember
Or if it's just from home movies

I'm absent minded, present but lifeless
And when I speak it's nothing of substance
So I started drinking
Because I thought I'd have something to say
It just made me drunk and want to throw up
And I'm still awkward
And I don't think that will change
I'm stuck in my ways, but that's okay
It's not that bad, I'm just sick of feeling like

I'm never in a solid state of mattering

You see right through me

I don't want to live in fair weather memories
I want to know it's more than home movies
And it fucking scares me
It fucking scares me!

That I'm never in a solid state of mattering