Shavings

Shyea
Ben, ben
Ben, ben

I've always been a touch strange
Like why you confident you nutcase?
You're awesome in a dumb way (don't be yourself)
Arguments on Sundays, psychologist on Monday
Mama crying up late (you need help)
Toxins for a young brain, almost hit the drug lane
Probably would've done 'caine when he was twelve
But now he's seven with depression in his blood just need a weapon that can cut
Ten years where do you see yourself
Surrounded by angry faces, saving hatred from being locked up
But I just escape the cages, I'm trading places
And I'll be damned if I see some of my anger wasted
So I drop it on you like I had too much weight to hang with
I lay the lamest, I degrade the greatest
Still I fucking hate myself, been embedded in my brain for ages
I don't even see the fucking page I'm painting, all I see is these eraser shavings
I'm about to snort 'em up
Yeah, now my brain is racing
Laced it and rolled it with pages of poetry that my teachers said ain't creative
Share it with the commenters on Young Rap God who claim they hate it
I'll eat you pussies till your legs are shaking

(My minds always in amazement)
My minds always in a maze, meant to forget every thought I have
(Pray) I pray, but who do I pray to?
(Eat) I eat but who am I prey to?
I ought to watch my back

Ben! What's the matter honey? My God! Honey, what's wrong?
They all fucking hate me!
What? Who hates you?
They all fucking hate me!
Honey, what are you talking about? Sweetheart
What do you want me to do honey?

I just want you to settle my fears
I just want you to tell me I've never been weird
I just want to meet God, can you tell him I'm here?
I think he forgot
Tell me when heaven is near, I'm ready to disappear
I just want you to love me, by accident not because you feel it is necessary when you haven't for several years
I just want to stay young when I see my reflection in mirrors
Or make a living off of selling my tears
Just tell me that I'm a good guy
Mom it's been too long since I've really had a good cry
I think the last time was when I watched that man die
Reminded me of grandpa and then I realized everything will be lost and usually forgotten
Brutally I just lost it
Prove to me that I'm wrong when I lose a piece of my conscious
Who's the reason for conflict?
Truthfully they'll be solved when you and me in a coffin
Death isn't an option
And death isn't a shot, it's a switchblade
Everyday just trying to get closer to my heart I feel a thin blade
But my heart is in my rib cage, caged like an inmate
So I should be thankful for this day
But mama knows I can break
Mama knows why I never had all those sleepovers where my friends stay
When I told her I kill myself at the end of all my dreams and I realized that's why I peed my bed till sixth grade

No, no, no! Not again!
Ben it's oh-oh it's okay honey, I'm sorry
It happened again!
It's okay honey, I'm sorry but you need to get up for school
It's okay honey, it's okay
But you need to get up, try not to think about it

I wonder what my dad's doing
Probably wondering what I'm doing
We haven't talked lately
I feel alone, he is alone, I'm a cry baby
Only really talk to him when my therapist make me
This is crazy, what does he have?
What does he really have to call his own
He already feels he's out the family, I hear it in his tone over the phone
Asking what I've been up to trying not to bother
Thinking he's intruding but he's my father
Why'd he have to leave, he was the soul of this family
With the jokes he would laugh with me even though in reality
We were going through tragedy, we were holding on happily
If I'm sad how sad is he? If I'm mad he has to be
That's too bad and I don't want to go to school
I'm too sad, I'm too mad, I'm too spaz, I'm too fat, I'm too trash
Going to middle school next year I'm growing up too fast
I'm too whack, too weak, to speak to me, shoot me

Ben! Come on, come on!
You need to be in school in twenty minutes!