D                G
Jillian was her name
          D               G
She was sweeter than aspartame
     D                     G
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
          D                     G
And after that I never was the same
       D              G
And I loved her even more than
         D               G
Marlon Brando loved soufflé
          D                 G
She was gorgeous, she was charming,
               D                G
Yeah, she was perfect in every way
                D                G
Except she was always using the word "infer"
          D                  G
When she obviously meant "imply"


[Pre-Chorus]
        A
And I know some guys would put up with that kinda thing
      G
But frankly, I can't imagine why


[Chorus]
                          D
And I told her, I said, "Hey!
                 G
Are we playing horseshoes honey?
   Am                G
No I don't think we are,
         D           G
You're close (close!)
         D
But no cigar!"


[Verse]
D                       G
Then I met sweet young Janet
D                        G
Prettiest thing on the planet
D                          G
Had a body hotter than a habañero
        D                    G
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
           D                 G
And I was crazy like Manson about her
            D                       G
She got me all choked up like Mama Cass
            D                   G
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
            D                                   G
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
                  D                     G
I thought: after all these years of searching around
              D             G
I've found my soulmate finally


[Pre-Chorus]
               A
But one day I found out she actually owned a copy
   G
Of Joe Dirt on DVD, oh no


[Chorus]
          D
I said, "Hey!
                G     
Are we lobbin' hand grenades, kiddo?
   Am                G
No I don't think we are
         D           G
You're close (close!)
              D           G
Oh, so very close (close!)
                    D           
Yeah baby, you're close (close!)
     G             D
So close, but no cigar!"


[Bridge]
   D5 D7 
Aww yeah
   Dsus4 Dm
Aww no
   Asus4 Asus4
Aww yeah
   A A 
Aww no
   D
Alright!


[Verse]
D                   G
Julie played water polo
            D                    G
She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
             D                        G
She had me sweating like Nixon every time she was near
              D                         G
My heart was beating like a Buddy Rich solo
           D                  G
And she was everything I've dreamed of
                D                       G
She moved right up to number one on my list
           D                             G
And did I mention she's a world famous billionaire
            D               G
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist
                  D                         G
Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
             D                  G
Look like a big fat slobbering pig


[Pre-Chorus]
          A
The only caveat is one of her earlobes
            G
Was just a little tiny bit too big


[Chorus]
        D
I said Hey!
               G
Are we doing government work here?
   Am                G
No I don't think we are!
         D           G
You're close! (Close!)
                D           G
So very, very close! (Close!)
                    D           
Aaw, baby, you're close! (Close!)
     G
So close!
        D
But no cigar!
              G
Missed it by that much! (No cigar!)
D           G
   Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (No cigar!)
D                           G
   Really, really, really close!
          D
But no cigar!