Albuquerque

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Way back when I was just a little 
                     F F
bitty boy living in a box under the
stairs in the corner of the basement
      F F
 of the house half a block down the
                           F F
street from Jerry?s Bait Shop? You 
know the place? Well anyway, back 
then
         F F                      
life was going swell and 
             F F
everything was juuuuust peachy? 
except of course
                 F F              
for the undeniable fact that every
                  F F
 single morning my mother would make
 me
a big old bowl of sauerkraut for 
F F                       F  F
breakfast. Daaaaaaaouh! Big bowl of
 F    F
sauerkraut!
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D|---------------| Every single 
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E|                                            
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G|   F                              F F       
D|morning! It was driving me crazy. I said to 
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my mom, I said, ?Hey mom, what?s up 
                F F
with all the sauerkraut?? And my 
dear
                     F F          
sweet mother she just looked at me
 like a cow looks at an oncoming 
    F F
train.
And she leaned right down next to 
                         F  F  
me, and she said, ?It?s good for 
F  F
you!?
B B B B               F        
        And then she tied me to
F         F      F     B      
 the wall and stuck a funnel 
B        B
in my mouth
     B        F   F  F   
and force|-fed me nothing but 
F     B      B        B         
sauerkraut until I was 
B         F  F
twenty-six and a half
years old. That?s when I swore that 
F F
someday, someday I would get out of
                   F F      
that basement and travel to a 
magical far away place where the sun
F
 is
                        B        
always shining and the air smells 
                    F
like warm root beer and the towels 
are
            B            F        
oh so fluffy, where the shriners 
                          B
and the lepers play their ukulele?s 
all
              F                    
day long and anyone on the 
          B
street?ll gladly shave you?re back 
for a
 F       B  B    B B   F
nickel. Wakawakadoodoo yah! Well let
 me tell you people, that it wasn?t
                     F F       
long at all before my dream came 
true because the very next day a 
F F
local
radio station had this contest to 
              F F
see who could correctly guess the 
number
                      F F     
of molecules in Leonard Neroy?s 
butt. I was off by three but I still
  F F
 won
                              F
the grand prize. That?s right a 
 F
first class one|-way ticket, to
F Fm7 B Bm7   F       B F F 
A     -    lbuquerque,   A  
Fm7 B Bm7   F       B
   -     lbuquerque! Ah yah, you 
know I never
been on a real airplane before and I
F F
 gotta tell ya it was really great.
F F                              
Except that I had to ist between 
                 F F
two large Albanian women with
excruciatingly severe body odour and
    F F
 the little kid in back of me kept
                          F F
throwing up the whole time. The 
flight attendants ran out of Dr. 
Pepper
                 F F              
and salted peanuts and the in 
flight movie was "Biodome" with 
     F F
Polly Shore.
And oh yah three of the airplane's 
                           F
engines burned down and we went into
 a
             B                     
tailspin and crashed into a 
            F
hillside and the plane exploded in a
 giant
 B             F                  
fireball and everybody died! 
                                  F
Except for me. You know why? ?Cause 
I had my
              B        F          
train table up, and my seat back 
              B
in the full upright position, had my
 F            B         F        
train table up, and my seat back 
                 B
in the full upright position, had my
 F             B        F        
train table up, and my seat back 
                B
in the full upright position. Ah ha 
ha
                         F F      
ha! Oh ha ha! Ahhhh. So I crawled 
from the twisted burnin? wreckage, I
 F F

crawled on my hands and knees for 
              F F
three full days, dragging along my 
big
 F                         B   
leather suitcase, and my garment 
               F
bag, and my tenor saxophone, and my
 B                                
twelve|-pound bowling ball and my 
F                       B
lucky lucky autographed glow in the 
dark
       F                         
snorkel. But finally a arrived at 
                   B  B     
the world famous ?Albuquerque 
   B   B
Holiday
 F                              
Inn?, where the towels are oh so 
                    F F
fluffy, and you could eat you?re 
soup
right out of the ashtrays if you 
   F F
wanna, it?s OK their clean. Well I
 F                               
checked into my room and I turned 
  B                            
down the AC and I turned on the 
     F
spectro
      B                            
vision and I was just about to eat 
             F
that little chocolate mint on my 
pillow
        B                          
that I love so very very much when 
   F
suddenly there?s a knock on the 
door.

F                                 
Well now who could that be? I say,
      F F                     F 
 ?who is it?? No answer. ?Who is 
F
it??
There?s no answer. ?Who is it!?? 
They?re not saying anything, so 
  F
finally I
                                 F
go over and I open the door and just
 as I suspected, it?s some big fat
Continúa después del anuncio
    F                        
hermaphrodite with a flock of 
                         F F
seagull?s haircut and only one 
nostril. Oh
        F F                    
man I hate it when I?m right. So 
             F                  
anyway he burst into my room and 
     B
grabbes

my lucky snorkel and I?m like ?hey, 
you can?t have that! That snorkel 
has
  F                                
been just like a snorkel to me.? 
                F F
And he?s like ?tough? And I?m like 
?give
                  F F             
it.? And he?s like ?make me.? And 
                    F           F
I?m like ?k.? So I grabbed his leg 
and
     B            B            F 
he grabbed my oesophagus and I 
           F            B
bit off his ear and he chewed off my
  B                                
eyebrows and I took out his 
          F          F
appendix and he gave me a valonic 
irrigation
yes indeed you better believe it. 
    F F
And somehow in the middle of it all 
the
                            F F   
phone got knocked off the hook, 
                             F F
and twenty seconds later I heard a
familiar voice, and you know what it
  F F
 said, I?ll tell you what it said, 
it
                 F       F     B 
said, ?if you?d like to make a 
     B      B   F       F    B  
call, please hang up and try 
  B   F
again. If you
      F        B        B    
need help hang up and then dial 
          F  B                F  
you?re operator. If you?d like to
     F
 make a
 B      B     B   F       F    
call, please hang up and try 
B        F        F        B   
again. If you need help hang up
     B
 and then dial
       F   B        F Fm7 B Bm7
you?re operator. In A     -    
   F       B F F Fm7 
lbuquerque,   A     -     
B Bm7   F
lbuquerque! Well
   F                            
to cut a long story short he got 
                    F F
away with my snorkel. But I made a 
solemn
             F F
vow right then and there that I 
would rest, I would not sleep for an
   F F                            
instant until the one|-nostriled 
                       F F
man was brought to justice. But 
first I
                                  F
decided to buy some donuts. So I 
        F              B           
got in my car and drove over to the 
B
donut
             F                   
shop and I walked right up to the 
                 B                 
guy behind the counter and he says 
  F
?yah,

wadaya want??
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ain't per--|               
-----------| fect but it'l 
-----------| give you some 
-----------| thing to do   
-----------| till  you fig 
-----------| ure it out    

             F F           
I said, ? you got any glazed 
                     F F
donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all out
 of
                       F F        
glazed donuts.? I said, ?well you 
                        F F
got any jelly donuts?? He said, 
?naaa
were all out of jelly donuts.? I 
    F F
said, ?you got any Bavarian 
cream-filled
           F F                    
donuts?? He said, ?naaa were all 
out of Bavarian cream-filled 
     F F
donuts.? I

said, ?you got any cinnamon rolls?? 
      F F
He said, ?naaa were all out of
                     F F          
cinnamon rolls.? I said, ?you got 
                             F F
any apple fritters!?? He said, ?naaa
were out of apple fritters.? I 
F F
said, ?you got any bear claws!!?? He
 said,

?wait a minute, I?ll go check.
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                             F 
Naaa were out of bear claws.? I 
                          F F
said, ?well in that case, in that 
case
                 F F           
what do you have?? He said, ?all 
I?ve got right now is this box of 
    F F
one
                               e|-
                               B|-


dozen starving crazed weasels.?G--
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                               E|-

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 F                        B       
hands over the box and I open up 
                 F
the lid and the weasels jump out and
 they
   B                          F
immediately latch onto my face and 
start biting me all over ayiyi
yiyiyiyi. Oh, oh man they were just 
          F F                     
going nuts! Their terin? me apart.
F F
 You
know I think it was just about that 
                               F FF
time that little ditty started goin?
              B BB                
through my head. I believe it went
     F FF                 B BB
 a little something like this.
 F  F  F  F   B  B  B  B   F 
?Doooohgetemoffmegettemoffmeooogetemoffgettemoffoooohgetoooohgeooohoooahhh
 F  F  F   B  B  B  B   F  F 

 F  F   B  B  B

B   F  F  F  F   B  B  B  B 
hohhhiahhooohahahahhhohhhhh!? I ran 
 F F
out onto the street with these flesh
       F F                     
eating weasels all over my face, 
                              F F
waiving my arms all around and just
runnin? and runnin? and runnin? like
                     F F
 a constipated wiener dog. And as 
luck
                      F F         
would have it, that?s exactly when
                                 F 
 I ran into the girl of my dreams, 
F
her
              F F
name was Zelda. She was a 
calligraphy enthusiast with a slight
 overbite
  F F                        
and hair the colour of strange 
         F F
peaches. I?ll never forget the very 
first
                   F F        
thing she said to me, she said, 
?hey, you got weasels on your face.?
  F


                            F F
That?s when I knew it was true love,
 we were inseparable after that, oh 
we
F F                              
ate together, we bathed together, we
F F
 even shared the same piece of mint-
                     F F          
flavoured dental floss. The world 
                    F
was our burrito. So we got married 
and
    B                         F
we bought us a house and had two 
                       B
beautiful children, Nathaniel and
        F                        
Superfly. Oh we were so very very 
    F F
very happy, oh ya. But then one 
fateful

night Zelda said to me, she said, 
?Sweetie|-pumpkin, do you want to 
join
                         F FF F B
the Columbia Record Club??       
 BB          F      B
   I said, ?Wooooah hold on now 
baby, I?m
 F                       B        
just not ready for that kind of a 
                F
commitment.? So we broke up and I 
never
                          F    F  
saw her again but that?s just the 
   F      F         F Fm7 B Bm7   F
way things go, . In A     -
    F     B   F Fm7 B 
lbuquerque,   A     -     
Bm7   F
lbuquerque!
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Anyway then things really started 
                      F F
looking up for me, because about a 
week
later I finally achieved my 
F F                              
life|-long dream. That?s right I 
     F F
got me a part
                                F 
time job at the ?Sizzler.? I even 
F
made employee|-of-the|-month after I
 put
                            F F
out that grease|-fire with my face. 
Oh ya everyone was pretty jealous of
 me
F F                         
after that. I was getting lota 
           F F
attitude. OK like one time, I was 
out in
                       F F        
the parking lot trying to remove 
                                 F 
my excess earwax with a golf pencil,
F
 when
I see this guy Marty tryin? to carry
         F F
 a big old sofa up the stairs all by
                         F F
himself. So I-I say to him, I say, 
?hey, you want me to help you with
    F F                           
that? And Marty he just rolls his 
             F F
eyes and goes, ?nooooo I want you to
 cut
                F F               
off my arms and legs with a chain 
    B          F       F      F 
saw.? So I did. And then he gets
    F
 all
  B     B      B       B     F 
indignant on me, he?s like, 
      F       F      F  
?hey mad I was just being 
 B   B   B    B
sarcastic.? Well
 F                          
that?s just great, how was I 
                      F F
supposed to know that? I?m not a 
mind reader
                     F F
for crying out loud. Besides now 
he?s got a really cute nickname 
?Torso
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F F   
Boy?. 
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 So
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what?s he complaining about? Say 
that reminds me of another amusing
       F F                        
anecdote; this guy comes up to me 
                           F F
on the street and tells me he hasn?t
 had
                         F F
a bite in three days. Well I knew 
what he meant but just to be funny I
 F F                              
took a big bite out of his jugular
                 F         
 vein, and he?s yelling and 
    F
screaming
      B
and bleeding all over and I?m like, 
?hey come on don?t you get it?? But 
he
           F       F          
just kept rolling around on the 
   F          B         B        
sidewalk bleeding and screaming, 
    F
YAHHHH!
  F      B             F F
OHHHH! AHHHH! And I?m completely 
missing the irony of the whole 
situation,
F F                              
man some people just can?t take a
              F F        F F
 joke you know? Anyway, um? um? 
where was
 F F                             F
I? Kinda lost my train of thought.
 F                    F F
 Oh, uh, well oh okay anyway I know 
it?s
                                F 
a roundabout way of saying it but I 
F
guess the whole point I?m trying to
           F     B F             
make is, I, HATE, SAURKROUT! 
            B
That?s all I?m really trying to say,
 and by
            F                   
the way if one day you happen to 
  B
wake up and find yourself in an
 F              B            
exsulstential quandary full of 
       F                    B
woeing and self doubt and wrapped 
with the
                   F               
pain and isolation of you?re 
   B                         F
pitiful meaningless existence, at 
least even
                     B        
take a small bit of comfort in 
               F
knowing that somewhere out there in 
this
  B                 F              
crazy old mixed up universe of 
B          F                   B
ours, there?s still a little place, 
called
F Fm7 B Bm7   F    B   F Fm7 
A     - lbuquerque,   A     -
B Bm7   F       B     F 
     lbuquerque! Albuquerque, 
          B
Albuquerque,
    F            B      
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, 
     F             B    
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, 
        F
Albuquerque,
    B               F     B     
Albuquerque, I say  A, A, L, L, 
F     B      F       B       F 
B, B, U, U? QUERQUE! QUERQUE!
F B B F F B B

F   F        B   B   
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, 
     F   F        B   
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, 
B        F    F
Albuquerque,
B   B        F   F   
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, 
     B   B        F   
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, 
F        B   B
Albuquerque,
F   F        B   B   
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, 
     F   F        B   
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, 
B        F   F
Albuquerque,
B   B        F
Albuquerque, Albuquerque,
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