D                         A                                           D
I was lonelier than Kunta Kinte at a Merle Haggard concert that night I strolled on into

Uncle Limpy's Hump Palace lookin' for love. 
G                                                              D
It had been a While. In fact, three hundred and sixty-five had come and went since that 

midnight run haulin' hog to Shakey Town on I-10. 
G
I had picked up this Hitchhiker that was sweatin' gallons through a pair of 
      D
Daisy Duke cut-offs and one of those Fruit Of The Loom tank-tops.
           A                                                         D
Well, that night I lost myself To ruby red lips, milky white skin and baby blue eyes. 

Name was Russell.



Chorus:
      D                     A                                D
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
      G                                                      D
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
       G
Well I find it's quite a thrill
         D
When she grinds me against her will
      A                                                      D
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'



Verse 2:
D                         A                                        D
Well, faster than you can say, "shallow grave", this pretty little thing come up to me and starts 

kneadin' my balls like hard-boiled eggs in a tube sock.
G
 Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin', 
D
 'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer." Well she smiled,
G
 Had about as much teeth as a Jack-O-Lantern, and I went on to tell her how I would 
D
 wear her face like a mask as I do my little kooky dance. 
A
 And Then she told me to shush. I guess she could sense my desperation. 
D
 'Course, it's hard to hide a hard-on when you're dressed like Minnie Pearl.



Chorus



Verse 3:
D                                      A                               D
So, Bambi's goin' on about how she can make all my fantasies come true. So I says, 
                                                G
"Even this one I have where Jesus Christ is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole with a 
                                                        D
lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something resembling a cheddar cheese log with almonds on

Santa Claus's tummy-tum? 
      G
"Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later I'm 
                                   D
parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean.
                                        A
Got to nail her back at her trailer. Heh. That rhymes. I have to admit 
                      D
it was even more of a turn-on when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby Formula.



Chorus



Verse 4:
D                           A                                                     D
Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch, gave the tranny a spin and slid on into The 

Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop.
        G
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb", when I saw 
                             D
Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton. Well, my heart just dropped.
G
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would. 
        D
You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice and polish the
         A
One-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five in an eighteen-wheeler. 
                            D
I never thought missing children could be so sexy. Did I say that out loud?